Appreciating Life and Living

I just got back from a visit out west; my yearly visit that involves attending my work conference, but even more importantly, offers me a chance to spend time with my mother. I wasn't sure what to expect this year. Her husband had just died a few short months ago, and it would be my first time out there since his death.

The day before I arrived, they had held a memorial service for Chuck, and his son stayed on for a few days while I was there. I noticed an ease of manner that he had with my mother, as he tended to all the tasks that needed to be taken care of. I wished I could have done as well taking care of the house, but I was happy he was glad to take all of this on.

I noticed my mother was calmer, too, and we had a very good time spending time together. My mom recently started one little daily habit which made a big difference in our relationship; she would end each day by giving me a hug and telling me she loved me (and I would reciprocate.) I think it might have come about from the realization that life is short. Her husband died, my father had died 20 years before that, and now my mother, who just turned 90, was seriously considering her own mortality (and mine - I know she was relieved when I told her I made it to the conference in one piece.)

This appreciation for life has made an impression on me and made me realize that I don't want to be taken for granted and/or in a relationship where we don't hug and/or express appreciation for each other daily. Life is too short, after all. A hug and an "I love you" take only seconds a day;the effects of this expression of appreciation on one's life is immeasurable.

Changes

It seems that every time I feel a change in my life (as in growth in an area of my life), I find I need to leave something behind. This past week, I was celebrated at my conference for my creative discoveries in terms of novel ways of teaching. I gave a presentation on using the improvisational "Yes, and..." technique to open up new paths for communication between instructors and students. For the next two days, I had instructors come up to me and tell me how much they enjoyed the presentation, and how they plan to implement my ideas into their own teaching plans.

However, this plus in my life came with a minus. The person who I had been seeing had started to slowly back out of the relationship, and I had to be the one to actually step up and say "It's over, and it's okay." I have had to do this before - I don't know why it is so difficult. In fact, I admire someone who can at least write and let me know things aren't working out.

Ghosting (as I have mentioned earlier) is just such an immature way to end a relationship. I mean - let's be adults here. We don't like to have people disappear from our own lives (I heard a great deal about the person from this relationship complaining about a work partner not responding to his texts and calls; I would have thought he would understand how annoying this could be to other people.)

But change happens. I am interested in seeing what comes about from this change in my life!

I Don't Have All the Answers

Sometimes I post stuff here that I might not say out loud, because often when I am speaking, my brain is in edit mode. Apparently, that is not always the case here. I just unload what comes to mind at the moment, and the next moment, or hour, or day, that can change when I realize that I've been an ass.

I will admit sometimes what I post comes out after I have had an extra glass of wine, which is one of the (many) reasons that I have been cutting back. I don't want to be that person anymore, but it's a work in progress.

How do I feel right now? I don't know. But I don't think that's a bad thing.

Taken for Granted, and Not Really Surprised

I just spent the last two weeks trying to bring someone back from the brink of death. I have gotten him food, listened to him ramble, watched him go through the worst. And now I can tell he's feeling better.Why? Because he no longer feels the need to contact me.

When he needed something, his texts and calls were persistent. Saturday morning, when I could sleep in (the only day of the week when I could sleep in), I got a call in the early hours of the morning, and found out there were texts before that.Of course, he needed something.

And when I came over, he said he would repay me (not with money, but would repay me some way.) I guess ignoring me now that he's better is what he meant. I'm not too concerned; there are others interested and I think I may check them out. It might be nice to be with someone who won't take me for granted.