Rescue Dogs are the Best!

One of the things I liked in my last relationship (and I refer to it right now as last relationship, because, right, now, the only time he calls is when he needs me to get something for him - not what I would call the basis for an actual relationship.) But anyway, I liked when we slept next to each other. It was something I missed, and I guess I can say it was nice while it lasted.

But now, the new dog in my life (at all of 10 lbs, much smaller than the other men in my life!) sleeps pushed completely against me. It has taken some getting used to, as my last dog was afraid to sleep on the bed, and even back in his younger days, when he slept on the couch, it wasn't pushed up against me. But this little one sleeps as if he is an appendage.

For example, right now, he is pressed against my leg, sleeping and going through REM. The paws were tapping against my thighs a moment ago, as he chased something that eluded him in his dreams. At night, he sleeps pushed against the small of my back when I sleep on one side, and against my stomach when I sleep on the other side.

I talked to a neighbor who has several small dogs, and when we talked about them sleeping with us, she said "isn't that the greatest feeling?" Yes, I guess it does make me feel like part of the pack. But I am used to larger beings next to me. I guess this is something I will need to get used to.

What I Want

I am wondering if I put this out to the universe, maybe I will finally get what I want in a relationship, because I think I deserve that.

• I want to be in a relationship where I don't have to pay all (or most) of the bills, but I also get a say in how the money I contribute is being spent.
• I want a relationship where I don't have to take care of someone all the time; maybe, sometimes, they can take care of me.
• I want a relationship that doesn't depend on my running errands for the other person or helping him to fix his car.
• I want a relationship that is emotionally healthy, where we can have normal conversations.
• I want a relationship where I am loved for who I am, not for being the one to hang around the longest.
• I want a relationship that is not mired in dysfunction.

I know this all starts with what I will and won't put up with, and believe me, I am starting to work on me first so that I will get what I want.

Swim to Safety

I think I may noted this already, but I think it is the sort of thing that could bear repeating. When I was younger, I took Red Cross swimming classes to be a swim instructor. The first thing they taught us was if we were going to save someone, we should not go in after them, except as a last resort. We should throw whatever we could out to them (a rope, the end of the towel, a life saver ring,etc.) When we are tested, if we go in after the person pretending to drown, we fail. That is because, in real life, if we do that, the drowning person would climb up as and drown us. And we would fail at saving, and at staying alive.

Where I feel I am right now, is fully understanding this. I am closer to the shore; he is going out to the deep water. Between us is a rip tide that would pull me under and drown me if I swim across. Behind him is a ship with a professional who can save him; he only needs to swim a shot distance more to get there. I can't save him, but I can keep directing him to this professional, and hope he will put in that extra effort to save himself.

It is how we save ourselves and save others. We can't do all the work, or else it will pull us under. But we can direct someone to help. Whether or not they listen is their choice. We can only do what we can do.

My Denial

I have a bad habit of taking on more than I can handle, and as well as taking in hard luck cases. One case in point is my dog. I adopted him several weeks ago, in spite of warnings from my friends and even the rescue place who said he was "snappy." I wasn't in full denial about this, but I don't think I went into this fully aware of the amount of work it will require to get him to be more comfortable around others and less protective of me. I have seen him settle a bit, but progress is slow. However, I won't give up.

As for relationships, my friends also say I bring home the stray "puppies" and refuse to look at all the issues that can crop up and, eventually, wear me down until it almost too late. It took me almost 2 years to extricate myself from the last hard luck case.

This time, I don't think it will take as long, as he is obviously as stubborn as I am, and after a very difficult week, we finally hit a point of realization that this wasn't working. There was a part of me that knew this earlier, but didn't want to do anything, partly out of my stubborn denial, and partly out of the fear that my leaving might cause his health issues, which had suddenly gotten bad, to get worse. Perhaps I mistook myself for God in thinking this way, as if I could actually control such things.

What I do know is this: although it was a bit of an argument that set things in motion, I'm not mad, or sad, or dying inside, the way I have been in some relationships. Actually, I did feel worse last week when things were just starting to go bad and he was more cognizant of the potential issues. Back then he even said to me he was behaving poorly and I should leave, but the pain I felt came from not listening.

Now I'm listening, and no longer in denial - I hope.

The Things That Pass for Knowledge I Can't Understand

If there is anything that really burns me up is having someone shut me down when I am trying to state my feelings and/or my opinion.To the emotionally healthy person, this would make sense. This person would understand that in this situation, I am not being validated. I am made to feel lesser than.

In these situations, however, the message comes through loud and clear to me: "You can't possibly understand." Under that is the sense that I am a women, therefore I am not supposed to have an intelligent thought or opinion. I am, I suppose, allowed to think about things like what I am going to make for dinner for my man, or, maybe even shoes, because that's all we womenfolk think of, right?

All these years of college, all the reading and researching I do on a daily basis, but I am not supposed to be able to think? I am not capable of intelligent thought? I don't understand this, and it is probably why I often feel as if there is something wrong with me.

But this feeling doesn't last for long. I know there are some who respect me and my opinion. I just need to not forget or neglect them.

Spring, or We've Had Too Damn Much Winter!

This is the park near my house. Only a little over a month ago, it was covered with snow and ice. The lake was frozen, and the bushes and trees were bare branches, rattling in the cold winter wind. But now, everything is coming back to life.

Ah, spring, we have needed you. I have needed you! It felt as if this winter would go on forever, and it just took so much from me, and from others around me. But, in return, it gave me more than I had expected. 

Seasons change, life changes, and although I always know spring will return after the harsh winter, I sometimes forget about all the beauty and surprises this season can bring.