Fear and Panic

My son has been panicking the past few weeks. He applied to return to college later than he had planned. Now, of course, all the other factors of this decision are coming back to haunt him. The high school guidance department secretary who seems to work at a glacial pace, has received his request for transcripts two weeks ago, yet, in spite of our nearly daily calls, has not sent through the transcripts to his college. He cannot find an apartment that is available. And without transcripts and apartment, he doesn't see himself going to college this fall.

I thought that, perhaps, he did this in some sort of subconscious effort to remain here where it is safe. Yet, every time I tell him he can stay here, he turns me down. Anything I offer him is insufficient. I have been patient. I have been impatient. I am now at the end of my rope, and no longer have any ideas to offer him.

I know he is living in fear right now. I know that feeling; feeling as if nothing will go right, that one's life is a mistake. Yet, things eventually work out, and one discovers, they are fine. I am waiting for him to reach this point, but, unfortunately, I cannot bring him to this point. It wouldn't matter anyway - he wouldn't listen to me.

I have asked my brother to talk to him, give him advice, tell him that we all make mistakes and yet, live and learn. All I can do right now is hope that my son will listen. After all, he must know as I do that my brother is wicket smaht :)

The Full Workout

I don't know what started it, exactly. It might have been the move to the new apartment. Or possibly the change in relationship. It may have been work "stuff". But, in any case, I have found myself working out more (and eating healthier.)

Mostly, I've been walking a little more, then coming back and doing floor exercises and some exercises with hand weights, in a desperate attempt to get all the jiggly and flabby parts under control. And I've been doing okay. I look in the mirror and know I've got much more work ahead of me, but am happy, at least, that things are firming up a bit.

But today, I was finally motivated to make full use of the gym that is part of my apartment complex. I've been meaning to go down there for the past two weeks, but always had an excuse. Generally, I was ready to go first thing in the morning, but was concerned it was too early, and what if I was alone and attacked? Silly, and maybe a bit overcautious, but, perhaps, better safe than sorry.

But today, working from home, I realized I could walk down there on my lunch break and there would be more staff around. And so, I did. And after starting up on the elliptical, I realized that my little stepper (here in my own apartment) does not give me nearly as intensive a workout as a full elliptical machine, but no matter. I stayed on for  a full 5 minutes (woo!), then went to the treadmill for another 15.

Then, from there, I moved on to the weights (yes, I even did weights!) I struggled a bit (they weren't set up the same way as the ones I at the gym where I used to go.) But I remembered some of what I was supposed to do, and didn't get hurt - I even "felt the burn", so, maybe I was doing something right! However,after I finished I saw the sheet on the wall with full information on how to use the machine - doh!

Well, anyway, now I have a project and a goal. I will continue using the workout room, making it part of my (hopefully daily) routine. And I will learn; no, make that MASTER that weight machine!

Just One Step

I don't know if it's the weather (probably) or lack of sleep (that, too) or everything hitting me at once, but I just cannot get myself motivated to do anything right now. For example, I had to push myself just to write this. And I'm looking at my stepper, knowing I should get on it, but just feeling bleh.

What got me writing was telling myself I could just write anything for any amount of time. I could write a sentence if I wanted to, and that would be it. I just needed to start, which I did. I know with the stepper, in a few minutes I'll do the same thing. I don't have to do a full workout if I don't want. Maybe just a few steps. Maybe one.

I'll get on there and just take that one step. Because I know, if I get myself motivated to take the one step, I'll take another. And another. And then, who knows?

So, gotta go now, so I can take that one step.

I'm On a Bridge, And...

I have been out of my other relationship for several months now, and decided to start dating again. Well, actually, I was just deciding I would be open to dating, and testing the waters, when I was asked out and found myself going out on a date.

It wasn't exactly a night to remember. We started to hit it off, but within an hour, I felt as if I would do anything to get out of there. And now I'm back to square one, which, I guess, is where I need to be right now.

Actually, though, I feel like I am on a bridge, or, to be precise, standing in the middle of the bridge. Behind me are the old relationships, including the one I just left. In front of me is...who knows? I guess in front of me is the mystery that is the rest of my life. But I'm not ready yet to move towards that mystery.

I'm stuck in the middle, not wanting to turn around and go back, but not willing to move forward.