Resolute

I don't usually make formal resolutions at the end of the year. I always believed that you were going to break them within a week or a month, so why bother making them in the first place? Now, I think I understand. Giving myself a list of things to work towards will help me focus on my goal of being a better me. To that end, I hope to do the following in the upcoming year:

1. Eat less junk. I don't plan to diet. I think that's one of the easiest resolutions to break. What I'd like to do is eat better - healthier, good food. I've done it and can do it. I want to get off the fast food train and back to where I was heading this spring with lower fat food choices.
2. Walk more. Well, exercise more, but I want to get out and walk more. I bought nice walking shoes, and I have a good neighborhood for walking. I just want to get myself out there  (and maybe even get out on one of the hikes promoted by the hiking club I've been meaning to join!)
3. Read more. In the past year, I have read two books for pleasure. I did read countless articles for work, education, and just interest, but I want to read more books, just for the enjoyment of reading.
4. Write more. This comes from the last one. The more I read, the more I want to write. And the more I write, the better I get at writing, which also makes me want to write more. And read more.
5. Watch more movies. Okay, this seems to run counter to the whole reading and writing thing, but I watched a movie last night, and realized it was one of three that I had seen in the past year that actually came out this past year. I do watch movies; I just tend to watch the same ones over and over. I want to get out and watch new movies (or even stay in and purchase them online; I don't care as long as I stop saying "Oh, I've wanted to see that movie" and start saying "Let's watch this tonight!"
6. Organize more. This is it - I am getting the good paper shredder with the warranty (for when it wears out) and going through all those bills I've been compiling and I'm going to shred away, then throw them all out. THEN, I'm going to organize my office area so I can actually use it (okay, I need to get a new computer, too, which will help - that's another resolution!.) These will be my tax rebate gifts to myself.
7. Practice yoga and meditate. Part of (well, possibly a great deal of) my issues with eating, sleeping and drinking come from having a mind that is constantly jumping from one concern to the next. I know I am a stress eater (and drinker). I need to shut that off, and the best way is through meditation.
8. Wake up earlier. This will allow me more time to walk, to meditate, to prepare to get to work on time (not 5 or 10 or 15 minutes late.) I will not waste the time on social media (that should be another, separate resolution!)
9. Listen unconditionally. I've been doing this with my son lately. Not only do I take the time to put down the technology (iPad, phone, etc.) so that I can be fully present, but I just listen without judging. And, amazingly, because I've been doing this, I've had more real conversations with him (not just the "How's work?" "Fine" ones.)
10. Enjoy life. I had a great weekend visit this year with friends; I want to have more of those. I want to get out, even when the weather is bad, to walk, skate, dance, spend time with friends, spend time enjoying my own company, spend time just enjoying. I may even turn down a class (to teach) just so I can enjoy!

So this is what I am going to try and work towards in the upcoming year. In spite of my concern about resolutions, I like knowing I have this list. I need make sure I don't try to do this perfectly. Not doing something (or not continuing it) does not make me a failure. If I stop doing something on the list, I can always look back at this list, realize what I wanted to accomplish, and start it again.

Wish I had a River...

I've been through worse Christmases. I know I've described some of them here: ones where I stayed in bed all day because I didn't want to deal with the fact that my son was at his father's, ones where I was tired of being away from my family, ones that I tried to remind myself that it's just another day.

This past Christmas wasn't all that bad. I enjoyed my son's company and conversation, and made a great dinner. I received some very nice gifts, and Mother Nature gave us some Christmas snow (just enough to make it pretty, and not too hazardous to drive.)

But I still spent most of the day fighting this feeling of heaviness, of a deep sadness. I think many of us had been saddened by the events that happened in December; the unnecessary deaths of so many children, teachers, then firefighters.

The firefighters were killed only several short miles from where I live. The morning it happened, before I had even heard about it, I was at Wegmans, getting everything for my Christmas Eve and Christmas day dinners. Everyone there was in the holiday spirit. One woman (not from the store) handed out candy canes. The cashiers happily invited us into their lanes.People helped other people find their cars. No one seemed aware that several miles away, a madman had decided to ambush and kill a few decent men who were trying to do what they do best - help other people. I didn't find out about it until after I got home and saw the story on the news.

This came right after the Newtown shootings, which came right after the Oregon mall shooting. It all got to me. The immense sadness carried by all the family and friends of the victims. And, worse, Christmas day, the news reports on our local television spoke of the letter on the Webster gunman that said he was looking forward to killing people, making the sadness hit even harder.

It's been a few days. Maybe since we've had a break from the killings, it seems a little easier to bear the pain. I don't want to lose faith in humanity. I've had more positive experiences with people than negative. Just sometimes, I wish I could...just run away.

Fuel, My Concern

The church that I attend has a giving tree. What this means is that, during the advent season, the tree is covered with little notes with gift requests from people who cannot afford gifts (for themselves or their children).

I generally take a note from the tree for requests for toys or clothes for children. This year was different, though. I approached the tree during a choir rehearsal break, and started to pick out one of the notes, expecting to find a request for winter hats or clothes. I was stopped in my tracks, though, when I realized that many of the notes were requests for help with fuel payments.

The tree was nearly covered with envelopes with the word "Fuel" on them. Covered. Before I knew it, I started to cry. I took an envelope and left the room, not wanting anyone to see my reaction.

It was such an immediate reaction, I didn't know where it came from at first. Then, I remembered how I was a few years ago (as I described in my last email.) It was only a few short years ago that I needed help paying my fuel bill.

Now I was in a position to help someone else out. I don't know who I helped, but I'm glad I could do it. I hope they can do the same for someone else one day as well.

Eat, Pray....Yeah, Whatever

Just watching the beginning of Eat, Pray, Love where Julia Roberts is crying and praying to God, because she is unhappy in her marriage, and thinking - yeah, I remember doing that.

I remember doing that, only it was different. I wasn't in a beautiful house, with a beautiful husband, and unhappy because I just wasn't sure if this was all that I wanted. I was in a house that I owned, that I was having problems paying mortgage because my husband left me, I was working three part time jobs, and, as I remember, I was sitting in my family room, in my broken blue chair, no one else but me and the dog, crying because the mortgage company told me that no, I could not make my payment late, that if I did that they would foreclose on my house immediately. I wanted to talk to the reasonable person from the bank, but, instead, I got Javert.

I was sitting next to the wood stove, the only source of heat in the house, because the oil ran out and I couldn't afford any other form of heat except for the firewood that I would fill up my trunk with, carry through the snow-filled driveway to my house and dutifully light every night when I got home from work.

And now I am here, and I am paying the bills, taking care of everything. Praying. Praying every day. And it gets a little better, but there are still those chunks of unhappiness that I am still working through.

Spare the Snark...Please

As I always do when I am trying to figure out a problem, I have been researching and reading. In this case, I have been reading articles and posts on mental illness, in an effort to get a handle on what happened this past Friday in Newtown.

I guess I want to know how someone thinks, or what it is about the way someone thinks that drives them to madness and causes them to do unspeakable things. The shooting was just one recent event that has stayed with me, that my mind won't let go. When the nanny in NYC stabbed the children in her care to death, I didn't sleep, even though I didn't know the family or the nanny. A story about a mother who killed her children recently affected me the same way. And so many others.

I had come to the conclusion that these people were probably on some sort of drug that didn't work, that made things worse (I will admit I am not a fan of treating mental illness with drugs because I don't trust them, but understand why they might be used.)

But something I read today made me consider something more. I read the post I Am Adam Lanza's Psychiatrist.The post was interesting enough, and spoke volumes about the current state of mental health in this country, and why so much needs to be done on the federal, state, and even personal level. But what stayed with me the most was a comment at the bottom about how we, as a society, are getting nastier in how we deal with each other, and how hard that may be for some people to cope with.

Unfortunately, it's true. People exhibit rage issues when driving. Groups carry signs and scream horribly thoughtless comments at other human beings. Children taunt and bully bus monitors. Internet "trolls" make unspeakably cruel comments online.

I know it seems trite, but I really wish we could seriously consider the words of the late Rodney King after the LA riots: "Can't we just please get along?"

Just trying to be kind may not end all the killings. But it would make life so much easier for all, particularly for those whose fragile states of mind make them feel they can no longer stay in this world.

Really, spark the snark, people. Let's just try to get along.

Sleep

I'm hoping I sleep tonight. Sleep would be nice. I feel as if I have been awake forever, thinking, digging, carrying the weight of everything inside me, but getting nowhere. Nowhere.

Except exhausted, no brain cells, no feeling. Only mere existence.

Maybe I'm finally letting it all go. Yes, I hope I am.

Sleep would be nice.