Patience

I was waiting for my rental car. It didn't seem like such a big deal to me. The person who was taking car of my rental told me he wanted to check a few things out on the car and would be right back. So I sat and waited.

One of the other agents commented that "I'm so patient." I don't think of myself as patient, but I guess others can get impatient about things they have little control over. I've just learned to wait.

I'm beginning to realize, though, there is a fine line between being patient and being taken advantage of. I am a fairly easygoing person, and I don't mind giving. I just feel, sometimes, the fact that I will be patient and that I will give makes me a target for anyone who wants to use me. I talk about it here - about not wanting to be a doormat, but often finding that I am.

Where is the line that defines this? How will I know when to stay quiet and when to speak up?

Where Should One Wear One's Heart?

I belong to a well known social media site. It never ceases to amaze me all the personal facts people willingly post about themselves and their lives on this site.

More than a few times (in fact, at least a couple times a month), someone (generally somebody younger) posts about a break up - a relationship over, a heartache begun. I know this is their way to reach out, to (hopefully) have others reach out to them. The maternal side of me feels their loss, their heartfelt pain.

The older, cynical part of me, however, wonders why they have announced this very personal fact for all the world (or at least their circle of friends, which is, in essence, their world) to see. I can't remember the last time I was able to wear my heart out on my sleeve like that, and I am (or have been in the not so distant past) a fairly trusting person.

I guess the repeated hurt of break ups brings about this cynicism, this lack of trust. Even in my new relationship, I tend to keep my heart hidden just a bit. I wonder which is better and which is worse?

Dreams and Reality

Interesting dream last night, and I think I can connect it pretty well to what is going on in my life (or, at least, in my head!). In the dream,  I was at an improvisation camp (hmmm...camp where things are improvised? Sounds like my recent unconference!) We were given ideas for scenes, but when I looked around, no one else was jumping in to act, so I did first. My scenes weren't great - not even that funny - and many of the group noted that. But I told them that no one else was doing anything, and, anyway, isn't the point of improvisation to just, well, improvise?

I remember that I even made the connect to writing; that one generally wrote down then threw away a number of bad, or not-so-great attempts before having something good (maybe this was telling me to write more?) Anyway, the atmosphere was still upbeat and pleasant; people laughed and agreed with me. It definitely was not a negative experience.

And then, at the end of the dream, we were standing around in a dining room, where the waitstaff was setting up places. I noticed one table set up just for one person, apart from all the rest, and wondered if that was for me. I asked someone in charge where I would be sitting, and I remember them distinctly saying that "they were going to put me with this group (pointing to a table), but Pat (perhaps my former boss?) wanted me to work with this group (pointing to another table)." Neither was the single table, and the feeling that I had from the conversation was that "Pat" was putting me somewhere where I could lend my expertise.

Then I woke up. I really think the dream was significant for me - to accept the fact that change comes with practice, trial and error. And that I am more confident that I realized.