The Clarity of Dreams

Last night I had such a clear dream, it seemed real, and I had to remind myself, upon waking, that it was a dream.

I was with a group of friends. We had been together a short while - sort of as if we had met at a convention or some week-long workshop. Now it was time to go back, and I was sad to say goodbye to them, but happy to be traveling back home. We all hugged and cried and said goodbye.

I remember waiting for what was first a plane, then I think it became a train (can't remember this part). Just waiting for the trip. And getting a call from someone I cared about. The call was not clear - very hard to hear - but I knew what the message was. And I felt good hearing it, and wished I could hear more. There were people around me, talking and laughing and making noise, so I couldn't talk for long. And I remember I was concerned about the train leaving before I could get inside (I had gone outside - by a fountain - while I was waiting).

And then I woke up. Strange, wasn't it?

No, You May Not Break Up on Valentine's Day

Several years back, when I was in another relationship, the person I was with almost broke up with me the day before Valentine's Day. I was devasted - what horrible person does this kind of thing? I couldn't even imagine anyone considering this, much less trying to go through with it.

And yet, here I am on Valentine's Day, contemplating whether or not to remain in a relationship. Its not that this person is terrible or mean or a bad person to be with. He is actually very sweet. But he also, ummm...how to put this? He is a bit quirky and has trouble connecting emotionally.

This should not be a surprise to me. I knew about his personality when I first met him. I could deal with the quirkiness then - it seemed almost endearing. But here we are,  4 months later, and he is still having trouble connecting with me. What this means, and what I have the most problem with, is that he cannot remain in my company for more than a couple of hours. He needs to leave. Not that he always has someplace to go - he just needs to leave. It's as if he has allotted a specific amount of time to be with me, and once that time is up, it's up. (I keep wondering if he has a meter running somewhere to let him know.)

And while he has repeatedly told me it has nothing to do with me, it can put a damper on the relationship. It makes me feel less than. And my telling him that goes right over his head. It seems, as it were, "illogical".

So, I have chosen to remain today, and not say a word about my feelings. And I think I will see about taking a few days off and then see how I feel. Maybe I'll feel better. Maybe I'll have the answer. One thing is for certain -I know I will have to chose how to deal with this, because I know he will not change.