Learning to Stop and Savor

First, I am glad to say that I discovered I had not gained as much as I thought this past year (well, since June, which was the last time I checked into my online journal. Yes, I have an online food and weight journal.) Anyway, I am still five pounds less than my original check in weight from last spring (I thought I weighed less because of the surgery.) So, that's not bad.

However, I'm five or six pounds heavier then when I stopped keeping track. I guess I caught myself just in time! I am starting to feel like I am getting back into it, waking up earlier, feeling more into exercising (including walking, which I have missed).

And savoring more. Food, mainly, but even those extras like wine. I had a glass with just a little cheese, and really enjoyed it. I took my time, and experienced it, which is what I used to do with my weekend wine and cheese - experience it.

Sort of like life, I guess. It goes by too fast - much better if you take your time, savor everything (even the gray cold weather days!) and just fully experience it.

What a Picture Will Do

I remember looking at myself in the mirror at a hotel I was staying at in Florida, just a few weeks ago. I had just gotten out of the shower, and they had a full length mirror on the door.

Now, maybe it was the lighting in there; maybe I just hadn't looked that closely at myself in the mirror, but as I peered closely at my reflection, taking in every inch, I felt a sudden reaction of shock and disgust. How had I gotten that fat? And who had filled my thighs with cottage cheese!

I guess the weight gain wasn't that much of a surprise. I had seen myself in a photo taken last summer, where my ass seemed to take up 1/3 of the photo (at least it did in my mind.) And that was in a group photo - there were six other people in the picture as well. Six other people, plus me, plus that enormous behind.

Then there's this photo, taken last summer at a park:

Here, my ass is hidden behind me, but my chest and my stomach seem to be in a competition to see which can stick out the most. And my arms...yeah, well, they wouldn't be confused for Kelly Ripa's.

No, I know I should love myself for who I am, and I do. But I need just a little less of me to love, so I have  been working at "reducing my load", so to speak. I don't want to be thin; I just want to be a bit more in shape.

The photos are inspiring me, to be sure. This summer, I will have my photo taken again by the same tree, and promise to post it. I will be in better shape this summer - no more oversized anything!

Got to Get Up and Try

The past several mornings, I've had this line from Pink's song "Try" in my head:

You've got to get up and try

I keep thinking of this lyric throughout the morning. When I want to give up. When I say, "Forget it. I can't make it." I think I've still got to try.

When life seems too difficult to deal with, keep trying. You've got to get up again. You've got to try.

Measuring Time and Money

I feel that I spend most of my time counting out things. Figuring out if I will have enough groceries, enough gas, enough toilet paper for this week. Counting how many more days until the next paycheck. Determining how many bills I can pay this week.

It's not that I'm completely broke, just a bit behind. I put out a great deal of money for my conference trip back in January, and have been waiting for my reimbursement. Working for a state college, I should be used to waiting for money. The state is sort of like that friend who borrows money and then pays you back - eventually (I had a friend who was looking into a hefty reimbursement that was about 4 weeks overdue, and was told by the college's person in accounts payable that they would "get around to it...sometime.")

Fortunately, though, I have sharpened this skill of juggling payments, of knowing what I can put off, of making things last. I'll live on pasta for a couple of days, and won't drive far. After all, it shouldn't be too much longer, right?

A Better Winter

I'm a bit late writing this, but it has been something that has been on my mind since last week. January has often been a tough month financially, and this year has not been an exception. I tend to go a bit crazy purchasing presents during December (as well as charities - I hate knowing that anyone would have to go without during the holiday season.) So January comes along, and since I don't have credit (as I noted in my last post), I find myself budgeting very carefully to make it through the month.

This year was actually a bit different. I did have the money, but I took my vacation (the first one in 8 years, not counting family visits),  in the middle of the month. Because it was part of a conference (i.e., business related), I will get partially reimbursed, but I'll be waiting for that money for a while longer.

But I'm not upset, because I did get to take that vacation, and I will get that money, and I am doing better than past years, when I would hit the middle of the month and despair that I would never make it through the month, let alone the winter season. I made it through those winters, and now, with that experience behind me, I am not just surviving this winter; I am thriving!