Life’s Like an Hourglass

The words from the song "Breathe" keep going through my head. Especially the chorus: "Breathe. Just Breathe." I have to remind myself that. In fact, I am doing that a lot lately (well, of course I'm breathing a lot lately. I'm alive – that's what I do!) I mean I've been doing those deep, clarifying my mind kind of breathes, the ones you need to do before you face your next battle.

Speaking of battle – supposedly I have a lot of courage. I've been told that. I try to believe it, too. I need to find the line from the Wizard of Oz regarding courage, because I think that's how I feel; not courageous, but just continuing on because I have to. I need to get through one day. And then the next. And so on, until, maybe, possibly, things change around for me.

I don't like living day to day, paycheck to paycheck, one averted crisis after another. I am getting too old for all this stress. I want to just be the best I can, do the best I can and not have to fight battles every day with the bill collectors, the bank. I know I have talent, and I can do a good job. I want to work full time so I don't have to patch jobs together and hope I have enough income to make it through the week or the month or into the next few months. I want a place I can live in that I can afford, and I want to live in a place where the cost of living is not higher than the average working wage.

I have tried to be a good, decent person, and no matter how tough it has gotten, tried to see the good in everything (the lesson, I guess). I just want to see that there's a reason to be good and decent. Can my life really, finally turn around?

All I Have to do is Jump

No, I don't mean off a tall building. I keep thinking about this line from the movie "Aladdin". I started to realize that maybe, the reason the songs and lines in Disney movies have to do with taking chances (btw – one of my other favorite lines is about letting go which is from "Finding Nemo"}, is possibly because they were written by people who understood the only way to get ahead is to take chances.

I chuckle now when I listen to the lines of "One Step" which describes being on the run, one step ahead of disaster. I feel that way every day. But mostly, I feel like I could end up in the right place if I would only let go and jump. That's where my life is going right now – letting go of everything I have known for the past 27 years, jumping into a "Whole New World" (okay, enough of the meaningful song titles!)

I'm a little scattered right now, but I feel as if I am more alive than I've been while I was just settled in, living the day-to-day. I am letting go and opening myself up to whatever lies ahead. Might as well jump.