Frozen

It seems an appropriate title, given the way the weather is right now. I feel frozen in place, not able to move back, not knowing how to move forward.

I woke up at 4:30 today and couldn't go back to sleep. Right now, I am thinking (too much, probably). I have to figure out what to do about the house and I have to have an answer soon. And I feel pretty much alone in this situation, although I may not need to be.

I have done a few things already, which will probably help. I have contacted the bank to let them know I am still working on things. I have tried to contact the real estate agent to find out my options. I have looked into companies that come in and do major cleaning (which I will need.)

And I have considered the worst. I would be willing to move out of here with a few boxes, my clothes and my pets, as long as I knew I could pay off the mortgage and I knew I had a place to go to. That's all I'm looking for. I think that I can achieve this, but it will take work, continual work that may require me to just do one thing each day. I think I can handle that.

The hardest part is getting myself to just do something when I feel so frozen in place.

Stopped Counting

I just realized today that I had stopped counting the days, weeks, months since the break up. I mean, I could tell you right now that it has been three months and one day. But I actually had to stop and think. And that makes me feel like I am doing better.

I started feeling this way about a week or so ago, when I stopped obsessing every time I went by the exit from the highway that I would lead to his place. Each day when I left work, I would start thinking about the breakup, and I figured out that I did it just as I passed that exit. But, suddenly (or maybe not so suddenly; maybe more subtly) I stopped. I started being more involved in my own life and less involved in what I supposed was his.

I am much happier and accepting of what has happened. In fact, I would say I am past the "why did this happen to me" phase and am getting into the "Whew! Dodged that bullet!" phase. The realization that fate or whatever did a tricky maneuver and yanked me out of what could have been one of the biggest mistakes of my life is finally beginning to hit. I have turned the corner and feel that I am now heading in the right direction!